


Dark Street: A Short Play

by inkasrain



Category: Sesame Street (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-08-14
Updated: 2011-08-14
Packaged: 2017-10-22 15:05:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 869
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/239354
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inkasrain/pseuds/inkasrain
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bert has something to tell Ernie. Ernie's reaction is illuminating.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dark Street: A Short Play

_Ernie and Bert’s apartment in the evening. Ernie is at the table, eating. Rubber Ducky sits next to him. Bert enters._

ERNIE

Hello, Bert!

BERT

Hello, Ernie. What’s for dinner?

ERNIE

Well, today we learned the letter “P”, Bert. So we have potatoes, pickles, and purple prunes!

 _Bert sits down, decidedly unenthusiastic._

BERT

That’s… great, Ernie.

 _Bert shovels some potatoes onto his plate and looks at them sadly._

BERT

Say, Ernie, do we have anything else to eat? I’m in the mood for something sweet.

ERNIE

Well, I think we have some leftover onions from the letter “O”.

 _Bert sighs. He fidgets with his fork, and then takes a deep breath._

BERT

Ernie, I have something to tell you.

ERNIE

Oh, what’s that, Bert?

BERT

Well, Ernie--

 _Ernie picks up Rubber Ducky and begins to feed him potatoes._

ERNIE

Do you like those potatoes, Rubby Ducky? The potatoes like you! (sings) “Rubby Ducky, they are awfully fond of you…”

BERT

Ernie!

ERNIE

What’s that, Bert?

BERT

Could you stop feeding the plastic duck and listen to me for a minute?

 _Ernie puts down the Rubber Ducky._

ERNIE

Sure, Bert. ( _to Rubber Ducky_ ) Just a minute, Rubber Ducky, Bert wants to say something.

BERT

Ernie… this is really hard for me to say.

ERNIE

Why, Bert? Is it a big word?

BERT

No… not that kind of hard. Ernie… it’s over.

 _Ernie is oblivious._

ERNIE

What’s over, Bert?

 _Bert gestures around him._

BERT

This.

ERNIE

But I haven’t cleaned my plate yet, Bert!

 _Bert stands up from the table._

BERT

No, not dinner, Ernie, this! All of this. Us. You and Me. It’s over.

 _Ernie tries to take this in._

ERNIE ( _in a small voice_ )

Over with an “O”?

BERT

Over with an “O”.

ERNIE

But… but, why?

BERT

“Why”’s not important, Ernie, I just—

 _Ernie rises as he speaks._

ERNIE

““Why”’s not important?? WHY’S NOT IMPORTANT?? What about YAKS?? Or YO-YOS?? Or YELLOW?? OR YOU???

BERT

Ernie—

ERNIE

No. NO! “Why” IS important, Bert, and you have to tell me WHY!!

BERT

Ernie… there’s somebody else.

ERNIE

Somebody else?? We’ve been together for forty years, and one day you just find SOMEBODY ELSE???

BERT

Things can change a lot in forty years, Ernie!

ERNIE

Not us, Bert! Not us! Dammit, we haven’t changed our shirts since 1969!!

 _Bert steels himself._

BERT

I’m sorry, Ernie. But I’m moving in with Cookie Monster.

ERNIE

Wait—what?

BERT

I’m sorry, Ernie. It just happened.

ERNIE

Cookie?

BERT

We met, and he offered me a glass of milk…

ERNIE

Cookie??

BERT

Before I knew it, we were snacking, and laughing…

ERNIE

COOKIE????

BERT ( _tenderly_ )

Starts with “C”.

 _Heavy pause._

ERNIE  
So let me get this straight, Burt. We eat together, sleep together, live together for forty years, and out of the two-hundred puppets on this block, you skip out on me to shack up with a shag carpet with a sugar addiction???

BERT ( _defiantly_ )

It’s good enough for me! ( _sighs_ ) I really am sorry, Ernie. I never meant for this to happen.

 _Ernie looks at Bert for a long moment, and before our eyes, transforms into a version of Ernie never before seen on Sesame Street._

ERNIE

Sorry? ( _laughs_ ) Oh, you’ll be sorry all right. You’ll be really sorry. Because you aren’t going anywhere… Bertram.

BERT ( _a bit intimidated_ )

What… what do you mean, Ernie?

ERNIE

Oh, I think you know what I mean.

BERT

You can’t stop me!

ERNIE

Oh yes I can, Bert. Because I know a word that starts with “C” too; and that’s... contract.

BERT

You wouldn’t!

ERNIE

Oh, wouldn’t I? You listen to me, pal, and you listen good. You say one word, one word, and I don’t care which letter of the alphabet it starts with, to ANYONE about this little fling of yours, and I call in the big guys so fast, that little banana head of yours is gonna spin right off your flabby felt shoulders!!

BERT

The… the big guys?

ERNIE

Oh, you know. The lawyers. The judges. The policemen… and of course… the Swedish Chef.

 _The yellow drains from Bert’s face._

BERT ( _whispers in horror_ )

The Swedish Chef?

ERNIE

The. Swedish. Chef. How long do you think your big blue friend would last without that endless cookie supply, huh? A day? A week? Might be fun to find out, don’t you think?

BERT You can’t do this! I won’t let you! I… I have rights!!

 _Ernie laughs, a sound that would chill a thousand parents into tossing their tubes to the curb in less than a minute._

ERNIE

This is showbiz, Bert. Nobody has rights.

 _Bert stares at Ernie in horror._

ERNIE

Now. You’re going to sit down.

 _Ernie stares at Bert until Bert hesitantly sits._

ERNIE

Good. And now… ( _scoops prunes from the bowl and splats them down onto Bert’s plate_ ) you’re going to eat your prunes. Your perfect purple prunes. Because today, ( _Ernie sits and begins to ease back into the old, eerily familiar Ernie manner_ ) today, we’re learning about the letter “P”. Do you know any words that start with the letter “P”, Bert?

 _Bert swallows hard._

BERT

Pass the potatoes, please.

ERNIE

My pleasure, Bert.

 

THE END.


End file.
